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I am a mother of two young boys, a 6 year old and a 4 year old. I am in the process of getting a divorce. I moved in with a co-worker and we have become lover's. I have never had a relationship with a woman, never even considered it. However, we are very compatible and I have never been happier in my life. As early as it is in our relationship, we have decided to commit to each other, both of us having the same definition of committment. That being a forever thing and working out whatever problems may arise regardless of what has to be done to work it out. My partner has had lover's of both gender, but does not neccessarily consider herself, lesbian or really even bi. Neither do I. My sister tells me that the reality of my situation makes me a lesbian, whether I want to admit to it or not. I do not have a problem with it, I have had many friends of both genders over the years who are gay. But I do not label myself as lesbian or gay or whatever. I view it as having found a person with whom I have a great deal in common with and love. Both of us have had enough situations with supposed committment, that we feel we can commit to each other and make it work. We do not live in a community in which we will ever live openly gay. I'm sure people will assume that we are eventually and I can't see either of us denying it.
The issues that concern me most pertain to my boys. When do I tell them? How do I tell them? What do I tell them? I have searched the internet for helpful sites for information, but do not feel that I have found very supportive sites. Does anyone have any ideas? I would like to maybe even chat with other moms in my situation, but again have had no luck finding anything suitable for my needs. I am not an internet wizard, so I may just be "search challenged" and need assistance.
Comment
What's the rush?
Posted by:
forumadmin
at
2005-05-12
As you have noted, this is a relationship that has evolved rather unexpectedly after you moved in with a co-worker following your breakup. Most people are very vulnerable after an emotionally charged event (breakup) like that. It is not uncommon for one to feel compelled to "like" or "love" the next best/loving/comforting experience that comes their way –especially after having gone through a stressful experience like a divorce. You are still not sure about this, but as you have stated, you seem to be very happy about your new relationship -to the extent you are beginning to consider making a commitment to this new relationship. There is often a fine line of separation between "wanting to love and to be loved," "feeling inclined to love," and actually "growing into a truly loving" relationship.
From your own account of your current state of mind (from what you have posted above), it does appear that you are still in a state of flux, still evolving, in the process of (re)defining yourself and your belief system, while trying to find your bearings in this new world you have found yourself in. May be this is "it" for you. May be not. So why not allow yourself whatever time it takes you to be absolutely positively certain, and allow this relationship through a proving trial (test of time) before you make the announcement. May be you will do yourself and your boys a favor by not rushing to announcing something that you yourself seem to be somewhat unsure deep-down. Right now, their world is securely anchored around you -you are their North star.
So, may be it is a good idea for you to allow things to really crystallize over time before you discuss this with your boys. No matter how you feel about your Ex, as far as your boys are concerned, it is more than likely that they may still be experiencing a sense of loss, insecurity, and not being able to be around their Dad could be a strain in itself on them. Talking to them about something this big -especially when you yourself are apparently not so sure of as yet -may make them even more insecure/confused.
May be you should speak with a child psychologist and carefully consider your options. It is commendable that you are keeping their best interest in mind, even after having gone through a sea of changing circumstances yourself.
Comment
Your children are way too young to be subjected to this
Posted by:
barb
at
2005-05-16
I think children at the age of 4 and 6 are way too young to be dragged into these kinda of highly adult issues. They are probably already in a state of shock and must be already experiencing a lot of stress having been part of your divorce. Most children at the age 4 or 6 hardly understand what human sexuality is, let alone the concept of traditional and non-traditional families, etc. Do your children a favor, spare them having to deal with this kind of added complication at such an young and fragile age.
I am too a single parent, and not quite sure where I stand on these issues. But I am a Parent FIRST, and everything else (including "Myself") comes next. If I have to chose between what is that I "want," and what is best for my children, they always come first.
Please seek professional counseling right away, if you really feel complelled to drag them along while you go through your own self-discovery.
Have they not been through enough already?
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